Resting Times

I haven’t written anything but lists and two brief personal reflections since November 30th due to burnout from completing NaNoWriMo, and taking the month to exist and absorb has caused me to realize the overexertion I’ve been putting my mind and body through. Farm work and art work reconcile almost too easily, they’re collaborative, both to my advantage and detriment. The strain upon my physical and mental health is insidious and creeps in unnoticed.

Everyday I perform hard manual labour, use my hands in various strenuous art mediums, and (outside of this month-long break) write an absurd amount in the least ergonomic ways possible. I’m malnourished and deficient due to mental illness related eating problems. My therapist is retiring and I’ve been seeing her longer than any other therapist in the decade I’ve been in treatment. A few weeks ago I learnt I owe unpaid taxes from 2016, after already struggling with a significant amount of financial stress. So easily I allow the ingredients for crisis to brew and boil over without my attention. 

I can take a break from writing, but resting times require a reprioritization of energy in order to take the pressure off areas of vulnerability. I’ve been off track with my health and wellness, been off track with my recovery. What I need more than anything is to end the break I inadvertently took from sustaining myself. 

As I’ve always struggled to take care of myself, I excuse relapses as inevitable. I don’t focus on what I can do or what I can at least try to do. Regurgitated statements come up from both sabotage and encouragement, worn out arguments for and against. I ignore it all.

Resting times are times of change. I need new reminders, new affirmations, new awareness. I know I’m equipped to handle my challenges with compassion for myself and my situation. Problem solving requires willingness, and faith in the possibility of success. 

Today, I will get dressed. I will brush my teeth. I will eat a meal. I will do all I often don’t do, because these are resting times.

2 thoughts on “Resting Times

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