I want to know myself. You likely want to know yourself too. Why is it so difficult sometimes to reach into the true depth of our being, why do certain truths hide so desperately from us? We delude ourselves into believing we know what we know and the rest we must search for.
My internal awareness grows each time I acknowledge there is nothing I can do to truly know. I’ll never know exactly how certain events in my infancy and toddlerhood transpired. I’ll never know what other people are thinking. I’ll never know what could have happened if I had done one thing differently. I’ll never know my potential if I don’t try.
What I can do is acknowledge the pain that stems from my formative years and work on healing my current moment. I can trust others and learn communication skills. I can be mindful of my future choices. I can try.
Digging deeper doesn’t mean grasping for elusive threads. Instead, we stop ignoring blatancy. Who we are is screaming and we’ve spent our entire lives stuffing cotton in our ears. Digging means digging out the protective measures we’ve maladapted. We hyperfocus on things we’ll never know to avoid confronting what we do know. I write more on these topics in Losing the Present in Investigating Our Past.
I know I carry many layers of trauma with me. I know I want to connect with others. I know I want to create a better life for myself.
I’m a painter, a writer, I’m autistic and traumatized, I’m bipolar, I’m spiritual, a philosopher, an occultist, I believe in activism, environmentalism, sustainability, socialism, these are things I know. To dig deeper is to understand why. There are are reasons I know are impossible to discover, these are other things I know.
Trust what you know.