As of late, my spirituality has been blocked by pain derived from my connection to the cosmos, divinity and the perpetual energy flow of reality so distant from me. My body and soul feel incapable of manifestation, conjuration, my psychotic gnotic beliefs are faint in my mind as I’m dampened by depression. Cotton fills my aura. I am suffocated and isolated from that which I reach for.
Today I start a second antidepressant regimen, I’ve been on and off of sertraline for the past seven years and now I’ll also be taking bupropion. This will make four daily psychiatric medications alongside seroquel and methylphenidate. I have hope dopamine will do its job and bring me back up to a functioning state, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I can’t rely solely on chemicals to fix me. I’ve been making an effort to be as open and vulnerable in dialectical therapy as possible and put the work in. To reach out, I must rebuild my arms. To speak honestly, I must relearn my language. I will approach difficult feelings with compassion and curiosity, replace negative self talk with positive affirmations.
Reforging my connection to my spirituality will be as energy consuming as healing my emotional discomfort, eventually both efforts will result in the ability to regain energy faster and feel more at peace with my place in the universe. Life is absurd but I am capable of harnessing chaotic energy and utilizing it to fuel my heart, my art, and my magical practices. I can reach past the fog of depression and become my potential.
It’s agony to feel so far removed from where I know I can be. I want to feel confident in my communication with the ether, I crave the power, the stability. It hurts to be so brutally ripped apart by mental illness and circumstance.
I’ll be alright, though.