Anger is raw. I feel it in my core. I’ve been made to feel worthless once more— betrayed, disrespected, I’m the doormat walked all over. I feel shit smeared across as they scrape mud and gunk off their shoes onto my soul. Uncared for and taken advantage of, the world thinks it can get away with it. These are familiar feelings. I’ve been here many times before. Thrown against a wall by a frustrated father who can’t control their autistic and traumatized child, curled up cold on a bench at two in the morning because I’m locked out of the apartment with the couch I was sleeping on, placed on a pedestal by people who glorify my personhood and then pushed off when I react exactly as they should have expected, manipulated and groomed into compliance and self sacrifice by people who think they can away with it.
I know who I am.
I know how I have lived, and what’s been done to me.
Finally I’ve begun to learn that I’m deserving of courtesy and respect. I exist not to be played and beaten in stupid games of will and control.
Times when I’ve bottled my frustration and feelings of betrayal have weighed on me. Letting myself experience the hurt is key to understanding my pain. I can forgive actions I understand, actions the affronter understands as wrong and why, when there are causes that can be remedied and genuine effort to change. I can forgive when my hurt is accompanied by love and trust.
My trust recently was rattled by not broken. Shock still sleeps deeply inside, numbness wrapped around the injuries caused by the attack on my being. Further still completely unshaken is love. The pain is sharper when bled into the utter adoration and devotion I have for the person who betrayed me. I still trust them, I still love them as much as before, and that hurts when paired with how frustrated and sad I am in this moment.
Insecurities that wrapped around my bones have been jarred, shaking my whole system. It’s instances like this that I must ensure my boundaries are firm. I set a precedent with my reactions of how I will allow myself to be treated. I know I am loved, but I need to be respected in all areas of life. I won’t allow myself to be mistreated or my kindness taken advantage of.
I’m capable of great compassion and forgiveness. It must, however, be earned. My lover had failed me when we were very young but they earned back my respect and I forgave them later on after a time apart as I’d witnessed incredible growth and self awareness. Now they have failed me in a different way and I much better understand the reason, the forgiveness was already there but I hold it within me for my own sake.
I forgive them because the anger is so full of love, and I forgive them because I want to and my heart knows truth— but none of this is a gift given away.
I’ve been blunt. I spoke genuinely and conveyed all the heartbreak and rage. I have gifted them consequences. They should not act in knowledge that I will always forgive them, they should know that I cannot be walked over. Broken promises shatter more than words. I will not tolerate impulsive betrayal.
Disgusted, raw, I do feel broken. I also feel powerful because I know that if our love wasn’t true, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the choices I’ve made. I feel no regrets in the words I’ve spoken or actions I’ve taken. I feel strong and shattered. My lover will prove to me that I’m not being made a fool.
It’s entirely up to them to whether I am doing something empowering by feeling how I feel, or whether I’m playing into a life of being used and groomed into submissiveness.
My lover, my fiancé, the one I’ve dedicated my life to, has done me great healing, lifted me up and made me comfortable. They taught me my own autonomy and how to say no, they tended to me and treated me gently and kindly. They haven’t hurt me, expressed cruelty, or done anything other than want what’s best for us. Now they’ve made a mistake, and they regret it.
Never before have we been faced with a situation like this. I’ve played my hand and reacted with honesty. We’re not playing poker. This is our life.
We can’t force ourselves to feel something we don’t. This betrayal is forgiven because I feel forgiveness. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have. I can’t force myself to hold a grudge if I don’t want to. The pain will take time to ease and my lover will prove that they’re worthy of my forgiveness and trust. If they don’t, I know I will be strong enough to love myself as much as I love them. I will prove this by how I decide I want to be treated. If they prove I am once more being manipulated and misled, I will still know who I am and who I want to be.
I deserve respect. I deserve to feel safe and heard. I will live a life that exemplifies this. I truly believe my lover will be at my side, teaching and learning alongside me.